I’m still re-running a few of my favorite past articles, and I remember getting a lot of laughs from this one from February of this year.
Looking around lately, I don’t seem to find many people my age. I’m starting to wonder: did I get left behind? Has there been some sort of oversight on St. Peter’s part, and they missed my name on the list? Perhaps they were coming to get me but they mistakenly spelled my name with an “I” as in Bill Frazier. That has messed up a lot of paperwork for me in my life. Maybe it has messed up paperwork for me in my death too! Of course, I’m told there are thousands of people in this country who have made it into their 90’s, so maybe I’m looking in the wrong places. The last time I was getting my pacemaker checked, the odds of running into another old person, or a wheelchair, went up astronomically.
I think our President is creeping up on that number isn’t he? When you must be shown how to get off a stage that you had just walked on to five minutes earlier, age has become a factor. I wrote a few weeks ago this true and terrifying statement, which takes a second to comprehend, but here it is: Joe Biden’s date of birth is closer to Abraham Lincoln’s second Inauguration than to his own Inauguration.
Throughout my time with this newspaper, I’ve tried to abide by what they’ve tagged me as a Humor Column. I’ve collected a few witticisms during my 94 years of life, some my own and some belonging to others, but see what they all have in common.
I used to be able to ride my bicycle backwards. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Life is too short to waste time matching socks.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
The idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.
By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Those who think they have no time for exercise will sooner or later have to find time for illness.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
If I had known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of my knees. (Amen to this one)
We’ve all heard this next one, but can you imagine how little I care at 94? “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don’t care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”
Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.
What do stars and dentures have in common? They both come out at night.
In closing, I really am amazed that I’m still around. My birth year is 1929. My grandson said my Social Security number was 3. But you know what? There is one thing that us old folks can hold over the heads of these young people who think they’re so smart. At least we get to collect Social Security before it runs out!