By Scott Sullivan
Editor
Celebrate, or Else
Now it’s March we have much to beware and aware of. For instance, grammar. Saying “we have much of which to be aware” sounds clunky, but on National Grammar Day March 4 it was more correct.
We have 31 days, ticking down and to tick us off, to become more conscious of Women’s History, Breast Implants, Endometriosis, Umbrellas, Irish-American Heritage, Noodles, Sauce, Frozen Food, Peanuts, Nutrition and more malady blessings that lend depth to life.
We celebrate awareness of Brain Injuries, Colorectal Cancer, Cerebral Palsy, Multiple Sclerosis, Developmental Disabilities and Asset Management to pay bills for aforesaid.
March hosts a march of National weeks for Girl Scouts, Glaucoma, Buttons, Brains, Termites, Teen Tech, Newspapers in Education and Read an e-Book.
For seven days, we’ll give shouts out to Professional Pet Sitters, Introverts, Telecommuters, Surveyors, School Social Workers, Orphans, Dental Assistants and Procrastinators.
Don’t forget National Solidarity with the Peoples Struggling Against Racism and Racial Discrimination Week. On National Grammar and Words Matter days, I might struggle with the term “Peoples” and week’s 12-word verbosity, but unpacking agendas like that takes elaboration.
Every day it’s something, starting with Sunkist Citrus, Self-Injury, Dress in Blue, Dadgum That’s Good, Horse Protection, Fruit Compote, Pigs and Peanut Butter Lovers Days, all March 1. Now we can forget them again till next year.
My birthday March 6 was also National Oreo Cookie, White Chocolate Cheesecake and Dentists Days. “Drill, baby, drill,” my tooth doc told his assistant, but she had month off to become more aware, so he fired up the jackhammer by himself.
March celebrations coming up include days for Oatmeal Cookies, Blueberry Popovers, Coconut Tortes, Bavarian Crepes, French Bread, Chocolate-Covered Raisins, Black Forest Cake, Lobster Newburg, Melba Toast, Chips and Dip, Corned Beef and Cabbage, Cocktails, Corn Dogs, Peanut Clusters, Potato Chips and Diabetes Awareness.
We will fete contributions of Funeral Directors, Working Moms, K9 Veterans, Barbie, Little Red Wagons, Spray Tanning, Poultry, Profreaders … sorry, Proofreaders, Weeds, Crayons and Bunsen Burners.
Some March days issue marching orders for Equal Pay, Be Heard, I Am in Control and I Am (these two separate), Get Over It and Everything You Know is Wrong.
Things-to-do days include Write Down Your Story, Shoe the World, Learn About Butterflies, Goof Off, Open an Umbrella Indoors and more.
How do causes win status as National Things We Should Be Aware Of? For how long must we endure them? The Chinese zodiac names entire years for animals. To them I’m a goat; to the Greeks a fish, but the latter is based on a monthly calendar.
Elected officials have long appeased constituencies and whimsies declaring these harmless honorariums. Who’s storming the capitol over National I Am Week being imposed on them, or even knowing that it is?
On the other hand, why are — fill in blank: a) career politicians, b) bumbling bureaucrats, c) our distinguished representatives — wasting time on my tax dime instead of Fixing Things? I’m broke and they say kiss my Asset Manager March-long while they run up zillion-dollar deficits.
That’s my problem (well, one of them) with government: We should do good things by volition, not compunction. If I want to recognize, say, Introverts on a week sanctioned for Peoples Struggling Against This or That, what’s the penalty? What good are laws if they’re not enforced?
While paying tribute to Procrastinators, I was advised I’d be in deep doo-doo if I did not do due diligence hiring a Prof Reader (a professor who can read, for a change) before National Newspapers in Education Week.
“What are you trying to teach kids?” my boss complained.
“Imagination?” I guessed. “Not program them.”
“Too late and thank God,” he said.
“Beware the Ides of March,” a soothsayer cautioned Julius Caesar in Shakespeare’s tragedy. On March 15 he get stabbed by conspiring senators.
It is also International Eat an Animal for PETA, Brutus, Buzzards Dumbstruck and World Contact Day, marking 71 years since a flying saucer was found near Roswell, N.M. Reports Elvis was on board remain unconfirmed.