By Scott Sullivan
Editor
Spy Whale
Now them Russkies done it: sent a spy whale snooping in seas near Norway and Sweden. Is Oval Beach next?
Hvaldimir, a beluga, was first seen four years ago wearing a harness with camera mounts. No GoPros were attached, but “Equipment St. Petersburg” read the clips.
“The Russian Navy,” said Norwegian marine biologist Jorgen Ree Wiig, “has been known to train belugas to conduct military operations, like guarding naval bases and helping divers find lost equipment.” If the Chinese can send spy balloons and Russians whales, what’s next?
Belugas are friendly creatures. Biologists say Hvaldimir may have wanted to please Russians and is migrating now because he is lonely. He follows boats, plays with people on board and retrieves phones they drop in the water. I don’t like it.
“Save the Whales” was founded in 1977 by Maris Sidenstecker, 14, her generation’s Greta Thunberg. Look how far we’ve come since saving everything but money.
Commies bait you talking inclusion, equity, share the wealth, then keep it all for themselves while your freedoms vanish. They woo you with belugas, then you wail in a gulag with John Belushi.
We must end this. Start with LGBT books in libraries, schools, even Disney is turning Mickey into Minnie. Nuke the Whales! Who needs a child to lead us when Trump’s around and gets rounder daily. Inflated by ego and fans’ vacuity, look for him floating in Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade, where New York courts will be happy to keep him tethered.
Now I’ve bought my Oval Beach season pass, I’m planning to pitch my cellphone, have Hvald retrieve it and harvest him for caviar.
“Caviar comes from beluga sturgeon,” said the beach guard. “We see lake ones sometimes, but they’re protected.”
“By who?” I said. “Damn commies …”
In came Wiig. “Have you flipped?” he asked. “Whales don’t live in freshwater.”
“So pollute it more,” I said. “Man shall have dominion over fish, birds, cattle, all creeping things on earth, saith God.”
“What a creep,” said the guard.
“Are you mocking God?”
“I respect all life. Mock turtles, mockingbirds, mock drafts, moccasins … It takes moxie.”
Up swam Hvaldimir. “In freshwater?” Wiig asked.
“I brought a saltshaker,” said the whale. “Morton.”
“When he reigns, it’s poor,” said the guard. “I’m out.”
I’ve had warmer receptions too. Last time I saw Satan, heat was on full. Johnny Walker Red entered. “Ready to walk to the john?” he asked.
I was out of my element, growing deranged, lonely too. “What’s it like, Hvald?” I asked. “Let’s sing ‘Deck the Halls.’ ‘Don we now our …”
“Stop!” ordered Ron DeSantis.
“Who let you in?” asked Wiig.
“We’re outdoors,” the prospective Prez said. “My campaign’s camping in the state park.”
“Going to Douglas Pride Week?” I asked.
“I am always proud of America. Except it’s going to hell and must be made great again.”
“That’s your competition’s line,” I said. “Can you fix America like Trump did the Georgia vote? Why not start with Florida?”
“Thar he blows!” cried Wiig.
“Another whale?” asked DeSantis.
“No, Trump. He escaped his tether and is floating over Lake Michigan.”
“Competing with me for the Pride vote?” asked DeSantis.
Hvald fired an arrow, an impressive feat for a whale. It punctured the cartoon balloon and Trump plunged.
“He won’t carry the lake!” Wiig cried. Up walked Kari Lake.
“Whose V.P. do you want to be?” asked DeSantis.
“No one’s,” said Lake, “when there’s fake elections.”
“Like the one you lost in Arizona?”
“I’m still appealing,” she said.
“And losing. The haircut’s cute though.”
“Cue my Scottsdale rally entry song May 31,” Lake gurgled.
“American Woman …” Lenny Kravitz sang. Canada’s Guess Who wrote it 53 years ago:
American woman
Stay away from me
American woman
Mama let me be.
Don’t come hanging around my door
Don’t want to see your face no more
I got more important things to do
Than spend my time getting old with you …
“On second thought …” DeSantis said.